TOP 50 JOKES EVER

1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'' 2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.'' 3. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra'' 4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!'' 5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth. 6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off. 7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant. 8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied. 9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. 10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.'' 11. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite. 12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked. 13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''. 14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.'' 15. There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?'' 16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''. 18. ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.'' 19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to report a nuisance caller'', he said ''Not you again''. 20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs. 21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything'' 22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace. 23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?'' 24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here'' 25. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''. 26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair. 27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away. 28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.'' 29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are you two an item?'' 30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar. 31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''. 32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here'' 33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. 34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. 35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''. 36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four. 37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!'' 38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster 39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!'' 40. I said to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He said ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''. 41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. 42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel. 43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter. 44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'' 45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned. 46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. 47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray. 48. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners. 49. A seal walks into a club... 50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.

INDIA

A man in India traveling by bus from Pune to Mumbai finds an old woman in the seat next to him. The old lady speaks with him for a while and asks him to wake her up at 'Lonavala' station; she goes to sleep shortly afterwards. After a while the man falls asleep. He wakes up after a long time to find that the bus left Lonavala a short while ago. To his horror, he finds the old woman fast asleep in her seat. Panic-stricken, he approaches the driver and requests him to take the bus back to Lonavala. The driver, irritated by such carelessness, at first, refuses to do so. The man somehow convinces the driver to return and the bus finally arrives at Lonavala station. Highly embarrassed, enduring the dirty looks from fellow passengers, and tired by the whole exercise, the man gets back to his seat and wakes the old lady up. "Madam, here you are, it's your Lonavala station." The woman wakes up and says, "Thank you for reminding me son. It's half past twelve, it seems the bus is running 20-30 minutes behind schedule. Anyways, it's time to take my medicines. Thanks again." She takes her medicines and goes to sleep once again. Read more at Buzzle: http://www.buzzle.com/articles/best-jokes-ever-told.html

RESURRECTED RABBIT

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it’s paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

FORREST GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper. Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven." Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God’s first name?" Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions. Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers." Forrest says, "Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?" "Shucks, that one’s easy; that’d be Today and Tomorrow!" The saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That’s not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn’t specify, so I give you credit for that answer." "How about the next one" says Saint Peter, "how many seconds in a year?" "Now that one’s harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second...." "Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you’re going with it." "And I guess I see your point, though that wasn’t quite what I had in mind. I’ll give you credit for that one too." "Let’s go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God’s first name?" Forest says, "Well shore, I know God’s first name. Everybody probly knows It’s Howard." "Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it’s ‘Howard’?" Forest answers, "It’s in the prayer." "The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?" "The Lord’s Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father, Who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name..."

LATE FOR MEETING

I was upset but not too surprised when I saw flashing lights in my rearview mirror. “I’m terribly sorry officer” I said “I was just trying to make it to a meeting on time.” “That’s a shame” the officer said upon handing me my ticket, “what time is the meeting called for?” “Three o’clock” I said. The officer looked at his watch, “you could probably still make it if you hurry up!”

DRUNK DRIVING

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”

SPEEDING TICKET

So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40. A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?” She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.” His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?” She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.” “Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.” He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie… Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window. “Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly. “Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse. He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbles. “Can I see the registration to this car?” She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him. “Ma’am, stand back!” He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty… The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!

MOSES AND G.W. BUSH

Moses was walking down a street when he bumped into George W. Bush. "Hello," said Bush. "Nice weather we're having, huh?" Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction. The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to initiate a conversation. Again Moses turned and ran away. Bush was tired of this bizarre treatment, so the next time Moses ran away from him, Bush followed. When he caught up, he asked Moses what was wrong. Moses said, "The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years in the desert." Read more at Buzzle: http://www.buzzle.com/articles/best-jokes-ever-told.html

NOWADAYS KID

I couldn’t stop myself from laughing last night as I was putting my 2 year old and 4 year old into bed. “I’M CLOSING THE DOOR NOW AND I DON’T WANT TO HEAR A PEEP!” I hollered. I was about to close the door in a huff when I heard my two year old standing in his crib with a defiant look on his face saying “peep, peep, peep.”

HORSE JOKES

Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’ looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said John, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey the way to get him to go is to scream Thank God. Jim nodded his head, “fine with me, can I take him for a test run?” Jim was having the time of his life this horse sure could run he thought to himself. Jim was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead “stop!” screamed Jim, but the horse kept on going. No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop. “yoyo” screamed Jim but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. It was 5 feet from the cliff when Jim suddenly remembered “heyhey!” Jim screamed. The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff. Jim could not believe his good fortune, he looked up to the sky, raise his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief and said with conviction “Thank God.” … Read more: Funny Stories http://www.greatcleanjokes.com/jokes/other-joke-types/funny-stories/#ixzz2jOcZwlPx

SURGEON TALK

Five surgeons were talking about the best patients... First surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered." Second surgeon says, "Nah - librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order." Third surgeon responds, "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded!" Fourth surgeon intercedes," I prefer lawyers.They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and butts are interchangeable." To which the fifth surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says, "I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end.

MUSEUM JOKES.

“And this over here” croaked the 90 year old museum tour guide, “is a fossil 4 million and 69 years old, on it’s left you can see another fossil that’s 2 million and 69 years old.” “Wow! That’s really fascinating,” said a fellow in the audience, “how can you age it so accurately to the year?” “Well that’s simple” answered the old chap, “It was two million years old when I started working here 69 years ago.”… Read more: Funny Stories http://www.greatcleanjokes.com/jokes/other-joke-types/funny-stories/#ixzz2jObvegMQ

WAITING FOR TEETH

An elderly couple goes to Burger King and shares their fries and burger. A trucker sitting next to them offers to pay for the old lady. "It's all right," says the old man. "We always share everything." On seeing that the old lady has not eaten anything, the trucker once again makes an offer. The old man once again assures the trucker to stay calm and resumes eating. Finally, the trucker asks the lady about not eating anything. The old lady replies, " I am waiting for the teeth."

DEDUCTIVE REASONING.

Deductive reasoning is a lot simpler than many people realize. Just see if it isn't: Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving." New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly." Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?" New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning." Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?" New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog." Neighbor 1: "That is right." New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family." Neighbor 1: "Right again." New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife." Neighbor 1: "Correct." New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual." Neighbor 1: "Yup." New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning." Neighbor 1: "Cool." Later that same day... Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door." Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?" Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job." Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?" Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University." Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?" Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?" Neighbor 2: "No." Neighbor 1: "Fag."

The confession of a husband

My wife pretended to give birth to her tampon and held it up in the air. She then started singing 'The Circle of Life' and used the blood from the tampon make a mark on her forehead whilst whispering, "Simba". I don't think she is coping with her miscarriage too well at all.