Friday 1 November 2013

TOP 50 JOKES EVER

1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'' 2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.'' 3. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra'' 4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!'' 5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth. 6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off. 7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant. 8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied. 9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. 10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.'' 11. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite. 12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked. 13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''. 14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.'' 15. There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?'' 16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''. 18. ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.'' 19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to report a nuisance caller'', he said ''Not you again''. 20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs. 21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything'' 22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace. 23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?'' 24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here'' 25. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''. 26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair. 27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away. 28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.'' 29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are you two an item?'' 30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar. 31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''. 32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here'' 33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. 34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. 35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''. 36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four. 37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!'' 38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster 39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!'' 40. I said to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He said ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''. 41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. 42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel. 43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter. 44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'' 45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned. 46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. 47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray. 48. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners. 49. A seal walks into a club... 50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.

INDIA

A man in India traveling by bus from Pune to Mumbai finds an old woman in the seat next to him. The old lady speaks with him for a while and asks him to wake her up at 'Lonavala' station; she goes to sleep shortly afterwards. After a while the man falls asleep. He wakes up after a long time to find that the bus left Lonavala a short while ago. To his horror, he finds the old woman fast asleep in her seat. Panic-stricken, he approaches the driver and requests him to take the bus back to Lonavala. The driver, irritated by such carelessness, at first, refuses to do so. The man somehow convinces the driver to return and the bus finally arrives at Lonavala station. Highly embarrassed, enduring the dirty looks from fellow passengers, and tired by the whole exercise, the man gets back to his seat and wakes the old lady up. "Madam, here you are, it's your Lonavala station." The woman wakes up and says, "Thank you for reminding me son. It's half past twelve, it seems the bus is running 20-30 minutes behind schedule. Anyways, it's time to take my medicines. Thanks again." She takes her medicines and goes to sleep once again. Read more at Buzzle: http://www.buzzle.com/articles/best-jokes-ever-told.html

RESURRECTED RABBIT

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it’s paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

FORREST GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper. Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven." Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God’s first name?" Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions. Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers." Forrest says, "Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?" "Shucks, that one’s easy; that’d be Today and Tomorrow!" The saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That’s not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn’t specify, so I give you credit for that answer." "How about the next one" says Saint Peter, "how many seconds in a year?" "Now that one’s harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second...." "Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you’re going with it." "And I guess I see your point, though that wasn’t quite what I had in mind. I’ll give you credit for that one too." "Let’s go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God’s first name?" Forest says, "Well shore, I know God’s first name. Everybody probly knows It’s Howard." "Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it’s ‘Howard’?" Forest answers, "It’s in the prayer." "The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?" "The Lord’s Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father, Who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name..."

LATE FOR MEETING

I was upset but not too surprised when I saw flashing lights in my rearview mirror. “I’m terribly sorry officer” I said “I was just trying to make it to a meeting on time.” “That’s a shame” the officer said upon handing me my ticket, “what time is the meeting called for?” “Three o’clock” I said. The officer looked at his watch, “you could probably still make it if you hurry up!”

DRUNK DRIVING

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”

SPEEDING TICKET

So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40. A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?” She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.” His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?” She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.” “Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.” He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie… Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window. “Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly. “Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse. He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbles. “Can I see the registration to this car?” She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him. “Ma’am, stand back!” He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty… The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!

MOSES AND G.W. BUSH

Moses was walking down a street when he bumped into George W. Bush. "Hello," said Bush. "Nice weather we're having, huh?" Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction. The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to initiate a conversation. Again Moses turned and ran away. Bush was tired of this bizarre treatment, so the next time Moses ran away from him, Bush followed. When he caught up, he asked Moses what was wrong. Moses said, "The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years in the desert." Read more at Buzzle: http://www.buzzle.com/articles/best-jokes-ever-told.html

NOWADAYS KID

I couldn’t stop myself from laughing last night as I was putting my 2 year old and 4 year old into bed. “I’M CLOSING THE DOOR NOW AND I DON’T WANT TO HEAR A PEEP!” I hollered. I was about to close the door in a huff when I heard my two year old standing in his crib with a defiant look on his face saying “peep, peep, peep.”

HORSE JOKES

Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’ looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said John, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey the way to get him to go is to scream Thank God. Jim nodded his head, “fine with me, can I take him for a test run?” Jim was having the time of his life this horse sure could run he thought to himself. Jim was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead “stop!” screamed Jim, but the horse kept on going. No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop. “yoyo” screamed Jim but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. It was 5 feet from the cliff when Jim suddenly remembered “heyhey!” Jim screamed. The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff. Jim could not believe his good fortune, he looked up to the sky, raise his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief and said with conviction “Thank God.” … Read more: Funny Stories http://www.greatcleanjokes.com/jokes/other-joke-types/funny-stories/#ixzz2jOcZwlPx

SURGEON TALK

Five surgeons were talking about the best patients... First surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered." Second surgeon says, "Nah - librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order." Third surgeon responds, "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded!" Fourth surgeon intercedes," I prefer lawyers.They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and butts are interchangeable." To which the fifth surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says, "I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end.

MUSEUM JOKES.

“And this over here” croaked the 90 year old museum tour guide, “is a fossil 4 million and 69 years old, on it’s left you can see another fossil that’s 2 million and 69 years old.” “Wow! That’s really fascinating,” said a fellow in the audience, “how can you age it so accurately to the year?” “Well that’s simple” answered the old chap, “It was two million years old when I started working here 69 years ago.”… Read more: Funny Stories http://www.greatcleanjokes.com/jokes/other-joke-types/funny-stories/#ixzz2jObvegMQ

WAITING FOR TEETH

An elderly couple goes to Burger King and shares their fries and burger. A trucker sitting next to them offers to pay for the old lady. "It's all right," says the old man. "We always share everything." On seeing that the old lady has not eaten anything, the trucker once again makes an offer. The old man once again assures the trucker to stay calm and resumes eating. Finally, the trucker asks the lady about not eating anything. The old lady replies, " I am waiting for the teeth."

DEDUCTIVE REASONING.

Deductive reasoning is a lot simpler than many people realize. Just see if it isn't: Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving." New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly." Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?" New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning." Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?" New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog." Neighbor 1: "That is right." New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family." Neighbor 1: "Right again." New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife." Neighbor 1: "Correct." New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual." Neighbor 1: "Yup." New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning." Neighbor 1: "Cool." Later that same day... Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door." Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?" Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job." Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?" Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University." Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?" Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?" Neighbor 2: "No." Neighbor 1: "Fag."

The confession of a husband

My wife pretended to give birth to her tampon and held it up in the air. She then started singing 'The Circle of Life' and used the blood from the tampon make a mark on her forehead whilst whispering, "Simba". I don't think she is coping with her miscarriage too well at all.

Saturday 12 October 2013

KINDER AND GENTLER

A "Kinder, Gentler System" Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its hot new notebook PC. Instead of producing the cryptic error message characteristic of Microsoft's operating systems, Sony's president said, "We intend to capture the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been-until now-an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry." The chairman went on to give examples of Sony's new error messages: A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. The Web site you seek Can not be located but Countless more exist Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. ABORTED effort: Close all that you have worked on. You ask way too much. Yesterday it worked Today it is not working Windows is like that. First snow, then silence. This thousand-dollar screen dies so beautifully. With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found. The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner. Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. Stay the patient course Of little worth is your ire The network is down Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred. You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here. Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped. Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

GUARDIAN ANGEL

Walking down the street, a man hears a voice: "Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you." The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him. The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk. The voice shouted, "Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die." The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "Where the hell were you when I got married last week?" Tweet Share

TECH SUPPORT

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate *************************** Dear Desperate: First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.WAV files. DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the Operating System. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and can't learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as Boob Job 3.6D and that old standby...Lingerie 6.9 (which have both been credited with improved performance of his hardware). Good Luck, Tech Support

JESUS SAVES.

One day, Jesus and the Devil were both working on their computers. Jesus was typing away. The Devil was typing away. Suddenly a huge blackout filled heaven and hell. When the lights came back on, Jesus picked up right where he left off, but the Devil's screen was black. Satan says, "How could this happen? I did everything Jesus did!" Then one person in Hell says, "No, Jesus Saves."

JESUS SAVES

One day, Jesus and the Devil were both working on their computers. Jesus was typing away. The Devil was typing away. Suddenly a huge blackout filled heaven and hell. When the lights came back on, Jesus picked up right where he left off, but the Devil's screen was black. Satan says, "How could this happen? I did everything Jesus did!" Then one person in Hell says, "No, Jesus Saves."
An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket. The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!" Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?" The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

HEART ATTACK

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days To live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her Last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that ambulance?" God replied, "Girl, I didn't even recognize you."

A BAD DAY

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died." "No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in. A few seconds later Donald Trump arrived at the gates.. "Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing and stomps on my fingers Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly." The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Trump enter. A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died." Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......"

The Husband's Best Friend

The Husband's Best Friend A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend. They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation: "Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you." Tweet

THOUGHT OF THE DAY

A holy man was having a conversation with God one day and said, ' God , I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.' God led the holy man to two doors. He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water. The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles, that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful. But because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering. God said, 'You have seen Hell.' They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but herethe people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking. The holy man said, 'I don't understand.' It is simple,' said God . 'It requires but one skill. You see they have learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of themselves.'

THOUGHT ODF THE DAY

A holy man was having a conversation with God one day and said, ' God , I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.' God led the holy man to two doors. He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water. The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles, that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful. But because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering. God said, 'You have seen Hell.' They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but herethe people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking. The holy man said, 'I don't understand.' It is simple,' said God . 'It requires but one skill. You see they have learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of themselves.'

PRAYING AND SLEEPING

Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life. The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City. St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward. St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O’Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward. Father O’Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff? St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father O’Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!

being good

3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven". The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce. The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I still love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven. The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter. Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying. He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".

CLEARLY CHEATING

Previous Next A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly. Suddenly, Lorraine died. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

HEAVEN IS FULL, SORRY.

God summons St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, we have a problem. Heaven is full. However, we have a number of high-profile candidates waiting at the Gates, and we are suffering from falling popularity. So, I'm going to throw out Mother Teresa and let in one of the celebrities at the gate. You'll have to go and decide who is most suitable." St. Peter goes down to the Pearly Gates and finds Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace, and Princess Diana waiting for him. He says, "I'm afraid I can only let one of you in, so each of you must come up with a reason why you should be admitted to Heaven." Freddie Mercury says, "I've been gifted with one of the most beautiful voices to ever grace the earth. I'll spend my time in Heaven singing praises to God with the choirs of angels. Heaven will never have sounded better." Gianni Versace says, "I was Earth's greatest designer. I will outfit the cherubs and angels in all the latest fashions -- long silky gowns, satin cloaks and nightwear spun from the very clouds we stand on. Heaven will never have looked better." Diana blushes a little, looks around nervously and seems unable to find something suitable to say. Suddenly, she strips off her skirt and panties, whips out a bottle of Perrier, shakes it up and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may enter. Have a nice day!" Freddie and Gianni are mortified. "What's going on here?" Freddie cries. "We could make heaven look and sound better than ever before, and she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, but she gets in and we don't!" St. Peter just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Sorry, guys, but a royal flush beats a pair of queens any day."

SATAN IN THE CHURCH

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Friday 27 September 2013

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa kkikikikikikkikikiiiiiiiiiii

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

BUNCH OF SMOKERS

Two friends smoked weed... One went behind a tree, removed all his clothes and came back to his friend naked! He stood in front of his friend and asked, "How do I look in my new suit?" The friend looked at him, smiled, took ­another puff and said, "You look so amazing in the suit but you put your tie below the waist instead of putting it on the neck!" - See more at: http://blog.onlinenigeria.com/jokes/3415-the-effects-of-drugs.html#sthash.ehJv5PEg.dpuf

WHAT WAS ON HER MIND BEFORE?

A hot secretary came out angry out of her boss' office. So her colleague asked her, "What happened? You went in happy and came out really angry" On which the woman replied, "He asked me if I am free tonight...Of course I said that I am absolutely free! And then that bastard gave me 45 pages to type!

ALL ABOUT JOKES.

sometimes, I find some jokes hilarious that i forgot too laugh. Are those jokes really funny/

Wednesday 21 August 2013

Sometimes the funniest things lawyers say aren't meant to be jokes. The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide. They were compiled by a client of the Salt Lake City law firm of Johnson & Hatch: Was that the same nose you broke as a child? Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning? Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Q: Did he kill you?

Why did God invent lawyers? So that realtors would have someone to look down on.

Mr. Wilson was the chairman of the United Way, which had never received a donation from the most successful lawyer in town. He called on the attorney in an attempt to persuade him mend his ways. "Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?" The lawyer replied, "Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her penniless with three children?" Sheepishly, the charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this. "Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
What do you call an automobile accident between 2 lawyers? A Saab story. An attorney was painting his house, when a man approached asking if he could earn a few dollars. The attorney thought about it for a minute, and said, "Sure, take a can of this paint, go around to the back of the house, and paint my porch." An hour later the man returned, saying he was finished. Surprised, the lawyer said, "Already?" "Yes", the man said, "but it wasn't a Porch, it was a Mercedes !" Lawyers for John duPont think they have found solid grounds for an appeal of his murder conviction. They have discovered that he still has a lot of money.

on lawyer

A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit. Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst. So the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars. The partner was horrified. "The judge is an honourable man," the partner exclaimed. "If you do that, I can guarantee you will lose the case!" Weeks later the judge ruled in favour of the lawyer's client. The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him. "Aren't you glad you didn't send those cigars to the judge?", the partner asked. But I did send them," replied the lawyer. "I just enclosed the plaintiff's lawyer's business card!"

all about lawyers

Why are laboratory scientists switching from rats to lawyers for their experiments? 1. lawyers are more plentiful than rats 2. the lab technicians don't get as attached to the lawyers 3. there are some things a rat just won't do 4. neither the animal rights activists nor the human rights activists get all upset about it What's the only disadvantage to using lawyers instead of rats in laboratory experiments? It's harder to extrapolate the test results to human beings.

lawyer things

Lawyer's creed: A person is innocent until proven bankrupt. First lawyer: "You're an unmitigated liar." Second lawyer: "You're a lowdown cheat." Judge: "Now that the lawyers have identified themselves, let us proceed." A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was...God, I miss him! ...But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the lawyer, "but, why?" "Duh; you're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

bunny and blind

"Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see you there." "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "It was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?" "Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "Since I'm blind, I've never seen myself. Perhaps you could examine me and then we'll both know?" So the snake felt the bunny all over and said, "Well, you're soft and cuddly; you have long silky ears, a fluffy little tail and a twitchy little nose ... you must be a BUNNY RABBIT!" [The little blind bunny was so pleased at this that he danced with joy.] The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. What kind of animal are you, sir?" The snake said he didn't know, for the same reason. The bunny agreed to examine him, and when he finished the snake asked, "So, what kind of animal am I?" The bunny said, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls. You must be a lawyer."

Friday 9 August 2013

higher learning

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institute of higher learning? A: A visitor.

charm

According to my percentile dice, I'm supposed to have charmed you by now.

The gavinators

Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, "I'll be Mozart." Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I'll be Bach." Tweet

mr know all

Little Johnny asks his mother her age. She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs. Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?" To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room. On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"

A huge problem

  A man went to see a doctor abt his easily loss of memory he said.....'Doctor, i forget things early and easily. too. the doctor said......'How long has dis problem started?'said the doctor. The man looked at him strangely and said.......
how long has what problem started???
and then the doctor said to himself....... this is a huge problem.

because of free orange

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

Politics

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t."

beauty and the cheat

Huh? There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try
 one last time for the son they always wanted.  After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant, and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.

 The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the
 ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.

 Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked,

 "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time.

Friday 2 August 2013

contemptment is essential

There opened a shop selling husbands where a girl can choose a husband from list of men. The shop had six floors.
There was a rule that as one opens the door to any floor she may choose a man from that floor, but if she go up a floor, she cannot go back down but has to exit the shop.
So a girl goes to the shop to find a husband.
On the first floor, there was a label on the door saying:
Floor 1 – These men have jobs.
The woman reads the label and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.
The second floor label reads:
Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.
The third floor label reads:
Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
“Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”
The fourth floor label reads:
Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
“Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor label reads:
Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
“Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 8,342,738,214 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
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sperm donation palaver

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $20."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

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